I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
