this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
