you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
