I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize