I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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