Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
