Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
