guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
