Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
