I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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