Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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