the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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