im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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