Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
