What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
