Don't you send me to vm
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
