I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
this is an emotional support booty call
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
