woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
