Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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