your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize