just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
