do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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