i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
