I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
