i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
