I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize