Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
