I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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