I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
