I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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