So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's no shave November. This is our time.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize