K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My feet surprised me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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