be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
