I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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