He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
