So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize