i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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