remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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