I cannot find my penis.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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