I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
