BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
