u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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