Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
