even my farts smell like vagina
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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