i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
