I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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