So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize