Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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