So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
