I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I need moral support for this bender
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
