woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
