Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
