I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
