I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
