I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
