She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
