my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
