A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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