I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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