OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
