Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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