so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
