I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
