WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
