Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
