All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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